Although we've had many guests over the last couple months, and I was going to school twice a week, there has been a sense of solitude. I feel that I am very skilled at entertaining myself in my own brain, and like escaping away into that. I've never been on the same level of understanding with the people at school, nor with most of the people around me. There are a select number of people of whom I actually sincerely enjoy the company of, and at the baby shower this last Sunday I was blessed to be able to fill my house with them. Somehow only the people I feel most comfortable around were able to make it.

A few weeks ago I found an old profile of some online account I used to use. In the "about me" section I claimed to enjoy meeting new people. Was that really me who wrote that? I usually hate meeting new people because I never seem to say the right thing or end up making some strange unexpected facial expression that throws people off. I don't know how to make small talk unless I'm feeling particularly confident, but then as soon my confidence gets rolling and I feel that my new relations are going well, I fuck it up with a totally unacceptable comment.

This next year I'm excited to escape into a new world with my new friend, my baby. Hopefully, having a companion who will not judge me [for at least the next 5 years] will be able to teach me to be less of a nervous person and not give such a damn. I'm excited to have a little mirror to show me who I am, and how to be confident with it. No one seems to have the balls to tell me what I'm like, what my faults are, or what I could be doing better... and it's time for me to confront it.




( chilly days in winter wonderland )

I'm a happy pregnant girl, considering.

The other day, at the Bolivia reunion, everyone was talking about how half the students got sick the day we got back to the states. They think it was from drinking from the fountain of youth... that the water wasn't pure. I didn't get sick. At the fountain of youth you get three wishes, and after making each wish you take handful of water and you accept that wish physically into your body. I wont tell you what my wishes were, because I wont know if they came true until I'm on my death bed....

However, it reminded me that I had another wish come true.

A few of us hiked up to the point were the first Incan man was created, on a peak on an island in the center of Lake Titicaca. There is an ancient Incan temple there, and if you make a wish toward the door of humanity and then walk around the temple clockwise three times, concentrating on your wish, it will come to you. I wasn't very specific with mine. I was hoping something exciting and rebelious would happen in my life... like I would free the poor of their suffering in Latin America or become a famous artist in Europe. I wished for "Something Big to Happen in my Life". And it is happening.

( My Life Unfolding )

I am home again, for now...

There's been tons going on. Unfortunately, hardly any of it is physical, so it's just all in my head. These people just don't understand. Which is alright. I haven't tried to tell anyone about my troubles anyhow.





I've been working a lot. Getting excited with the fact that I can design websites. Trying to decide which major is of best interest: Graphic Design or Art Business. ? Hmmmmm

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."
-- robert anson heinlein